Tuesday, June 14, 2005
baby fashion police
I believe babies are ignorant of gender until they learn to say the word "shoes." Boys quickly build a more menacing vocabulary featuring phrases like "Whack shoe on you good!" and "Me winna. You losa!" (picked up from a Bostonian grandfather).
Girls repeat the word "shoes" all day long for at least 6 months, all the while finding and hiding all back-closet footwear in a 3-block radius. They happily submit to their own shoeing, anticipating a trip to the park or ice cream parlour. A half hour later, finding themselves in yet another shopping cart, they then petulantly kick off their favorite footwear somewhere in an 800,000-square foot home improvement warehouse.
A girl will also experiment with clothes, shunning all actual hats but proudly wearing Mom's dirty underpants on her head and bras around her neck. By the time public embarrassment has shamed you into investing in a tall, expensive clothes hamper, your child is headed off to college and spirits it away for her dorm room.
Photo corollary to the baby fashion rules. No matter how many cute Carter or Gap ensembles are received, there will never be anything clean to wear for a formal portrait. Relax. Your child will never smile for a strange photographer anyway, so you won't be buying any photos.
Foreign fashion note: If anyone hands down expensive Swedish babywear, you will locate it exactly 1 month after baby has outgrown it.
Girls repeat the word "shoes" all day long for at least 6 months, all the while finding and hiding all back-closet footwear in a 3-block radius. They happily submit to their own shoeing, anticipating a trip to the park or ice cream parlour. A half hour later, finding themselves in yet another shopping cart, they then petulantly kick off their favorite footwear somewhere in an 800,000-square foot home improvement warehouse.
A girl will also experiment with clothes, shunning all actual hats but proudly wearing Mom's dirty underpants on her head and bras around her neck. By the time public embarrassment has shamed you into investing in a tall, expensive clothes hamper, your child is headed off to college and spirits it away for her dorm room.
Photo corollary to the baby fashion rules. No matter how many cute Carter or Gap ensembles are received, there will never be anything clean to wear for a formal portrait. Relax. Your child will never smile for a strange photographer anyway, so you won't be buying any photos.
Foreign fashion note: If anyone hands down expensive Swedish babywear, you will locate it exactly 1 month after baby has outgrown it.
